I am negatively toxic.  Anger, discontent, sad, suprise, anxiety, shame, haste. It affects my mental health. I no longer enjoyed things around me (at this moment). Altho, I keep reminding myself the power of mind-body connection, but my emotions just say no to all the positive things happened around me. Or at least, even faking and spreading  positivity seems so hard at this moment. It causes pain.

Until this day, I've been analysing the causer to my mental health.


1) I've been forced to do something that I don't like. 

I always like to be alone. In fact, I love to be alone. There are times when I love to be surrounded by the people, but if you read my previous stories from ages, you may know. Many people think I am extrovert, but in fact, I am ambivert. There are some times, when I needed to be alone, and recharge my "energy" to spread positivity around my circle. Being physically and mentally exhausted turned me to be a pell-mell spirit. I feel like I wanted to take a break from a stressor, but I just could not. Simply because, I've be to responsible to what I've started or what I've done. This seriously killing me.

2) I followed the rules. 

 Nah, if you knew me. I'm not someone who follows some stupid rules. Rules are there to guide us. But, if the rules are made by certified stupid people? How are you gonna follow?

 3) I'm faking myself to like things I don't like. 

 In order to show how okay I am to the society, I do something that I'm not keen of. How could you expect me to run from mountains to mountain when I only enjoy water activity?

 4) Others 

 Okay. I lack of social interaction. Most people think, I'm enjoying myself. But, I get a little bored meeting the same person over and over again. I need a new interaction. Lacking of social interaction is because of how hardworking I am to build my so called financial stability. But, in reality..  financially, I believed I am super stable. My parents were working hard to make sure I tasted a little of their sweats. However,  in order to taste how my friends doing, I made some calculations by restricting to only my salary to support my living.  I've been 8 months working, and the last month was an achievement. I, no longer a big spender. Wasting money on unnecessary things. It's an achievement tho. Because I was so dive into the idea of HOW- GOOD -I -AM -EARNING -MY MONEY- WITHOUT- FAMILY SUPPORT.. I eventually, killed my happiness. I've no idea why people can survive with this. As much as I love money, I love freedom the most. In order to have one, you are going to let go of one. In this case, I was killing my freedom. Hence, it's turned me to be toxic.

Oh, one more things, I don't like to be ordered. There are some ways where you can order people around. The basic things, please include some magic words ( please etc etc) and POINTING FINGERS IS A BIG NO, PLEASE. Simply because, I'm not your slave. That's all. 

Oh, by saying this, some people think I am spoilt. Well, come on,  whatever you say, we have our own stand. One thing to top up the fact,  living away from my comfortable zone is also an achievement. Dare to sleep on a single bed size, when you were raised on a king size bed is also an achievement. 


Just be true to who you are.

Now, I think, I am slowly out from the negatively toxic zone.

Mammiapappia is a surely my thing!

Thanks for reading.